I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I think im going to throw up on grandma
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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