I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
