just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
why do cheetos always look like penises
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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