Why is your signature on my underwear?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
