you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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