I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
