meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You smell like stripper and shame
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
