guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
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there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
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Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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