Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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