Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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