Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
