my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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