made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
