So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
