I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
