Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
