I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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