quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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