pedialite and red bull = repair kit
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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