my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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