the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
