i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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