There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
