he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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