New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
