I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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