I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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