Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I think i got beer on your cat.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
