Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Is it because I queefed?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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