I heard we made out
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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