Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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