You just made me feel so damn special
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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