If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
