God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
