I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize