he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
