Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
