a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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