He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
