whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
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So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
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When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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