Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
