Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
