don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
