i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Randomize
