Do you still have your period?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
