dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
