so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”