I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
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Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
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Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize