I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
