I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
