i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
How's work?
Spinning.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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