i would punch a child for taco bell
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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