i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
