Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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