mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
