He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
