I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
