im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
