When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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